This short novel is written with a sore heart. Though mainly a fiction, the story reflects what the heart needs and what the soul wants. At times, they are completely different things. One thing has to give in. Whichever it is, it will agonize the person. Like fallen leaves, that person has to leave the one he/she used to be with. As the poem reads..
Time has come, my dear.
Breeze is gently flowing.
Sunshine is dropping
Its golden rays on the ground.
Not long,
both the breeze and the sunshine
would penetrate deep into your skin.
When that time has arrived,
you will be
at the other end of the horizon.
Each day,
the distance between us
will be multiplying.
From now on,
only the letter will be the medium
of which the handwriting
becomes your face,
your eyes and your smile
for me to dream about.
So the story goes..
Looking out through the glass window, her eyes behold the falling snow. All over the place - on the dry grass, the slippery pavement, the parked cars, the lonely branch and the towering roof are blanketed with the whiteness of snow. It must be freezing outside, Viengpapha thought. Even though it is warm inside her cozy house, she feels very cold in her heart. In fact, she couldn't sleep at all last night. His letter is still lying opened at the desk by the bed. By this time, he whom her heart resides with might be on the plane somewhere over the big Pacific Ocean.
Drop of tears which cling to her eyes since last night begin to seep down her rosy cheeks. Viengpapha, wrapped in her blanket, turns around in the bed. She just doesn't know what to do. Everything she looks at reminds her of him - the card on the desk, the dress in the closet and even each drop of snow which is swirling down outside. She thinks if he is still here, the card, the dress, and each drop of snow will be beautiful. His warm presence, his poetic words will melt all the overshadowing sadness away from her. Now, he is no more; only past memories with him are left behind with her... first love, lasting impression..
His poem at the end of the letter reads..
Fallen Leaves
One, two leaves
swirling to the ground.
The day before,
I still saw,
they were dancing
with the breeze
- delicate, sweet
and pleasant.
But today,
the place where
they used to be
remains empty,
pale and bitter.
I don't want to see,
I want to close my eyes
as long as I can
..
II.
"Honored guest and dear friends! Now it's an auspicious moment everyone is waiting for finally arrives. That is the blowing out of the candles - a symbol of a wonderful birthday. As a host speaker, I would like to invite all of you to gather around and witness this blowing out of the candles.. and I also would like to invite Miss Viengpapha to come to the table."
After the host speaker had finished his words, friends rushed in and enveloped Viengpapha who stood by the table with a big cake and 22 candles on it. Today, Viengpapha was shining in an innocent white gown. The ray from the lighted candles reflected her beautiful and innocent face - the kind of face which we admired in any baby.
As soon as the clock struck 10 p.m., a time which she first opened her tiny eyes to see the world 22 years ago, all 22 lighted candles were blown out almost at once. Then a short but meaningful melody pierced the air
"Happy Birthday to you"
"Happy Birthday to you"
"Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday "
"Happy Birthday to Viengpapha"
After that, the blessing followed and the blaring music continued as in the early evening. Viengpapha was the star which every round of dance just couldn't do without her. Many people said that they wanted to dance with her to honor this auspicious moment therefore she couldn't refuse anyone but, deep down, it was her beauty and her charm which most people wanted to be close to.
At the corner of the party, Issara gazed at the stage where young couples elegantly swerved around one another. Viengpapha and her partner seemed to be the focus of his attention. Almost all the time, he secretly smiled at her. Bounmy sitting beside him was surprised and amazed to see his quiet friend smiling non-stop. It was as if there were something that attracted his friend's smile. Many times, he gazed at the same stage but still, Bounmy couldn't figure out whom his friend was smiling at.
"Surprise - Real surprise." He thought.
In order to know what Issara was smiling at, Bounmy scratched his friend's arm very lightly. Still, Issara was shocked. He turned his head around and smiled dryly at Bounmy.
"What's up, Boun?" Issara said more like to himself.
"There must be something special going on with this guy. He has never been like this before." Bounmy thought to himself.
"Oh! Nothing. Just checking, buddy!" Bounmy answered hiding his true feeling.
At that moment, the music stopped and the dancers all got back to their seats. Viengpapha, delayed by some friends, was about to pass Bounmy's and Issara's table. Then, unexpectedly, Bounmy called out to her:
"Vieng! Come here. I would like to introduce you to my friend, Issara." Bounmy had known Viengpapha since the days at High School. Now, they were both the seniors in College.
"Glad to know you, Issara. Bounmy talked greatly about you." Viengpapha graciously talked to Issara.
"I..uh..glad..uh..know..you..uh..too." Issara stuttered. At the same time, his face was flushing badly and his voice completely gave in.
"This is it!" Bounmy said to himself. It was Viengpapha whom Issara was smiling at all the time. Wow! He had a heart for an opposite sex at last.
"I got to go now." Viengpapha softly spoke to them when she saw the waving hands of her mom at the other side of the stage.
"Know what? Vieng! You stole someone's heart tonight." Bounmy just couldn't help teasing his buddy.
Hearing that Issara's face was as red as a ripe tomato. To help relieve his nervousness, Issara drank the whole glass of beer in one gulp. It was the first time he drank this much beer and this fast.
As soon as Viengpapha had taken off, Issara immediately got to his naughty friend.
"Boun! What the heck are you saying?"
"Oh! Oh! What did I say? Did I say that she stole your heart?" Bounmy jabbed back with a cute vengeance.
At that instance, Issara realized that he made the fool out of himself. "That is right. He didn't mention my name. It could be anybody. Viengpapha is so beautiful tonight."
"Sorry! Boun. The beer must mess up my mind." Issara came up with an expedient excuse. Bounmy thought to himself that what a lame excuse it was.
Bounmy had known Issara for over ten years. They were buddies since the days in the refugee camp back in Nakhon Phanom. To say the least, Issara was everything any parents could wish for in their kid. He was gentle, intelligent and equipped with Udomkarn (principle). The last one Bounmy was not sure whether it was a desirable trait or not. One thing he was sure was that Issara never lied, never cheated and always yearned for knowledge. Issara told him once that his life was a debt to many people, to his parents for raising him up, to his teachers for imparting knowledge, and some more which didn't make sense to him. At times, he joked that if the principle meant so much to Issara, why he had left the land that gave him identity and the people whom he deeply cared. To Bounmy, Issara was kind of strange. Even in the refugee camp, he buried his face in the hard calculus books as if he were in school. By the way, those books were Bounmy's books. His relatives sent those for him to study but he thought he still had more than enough time to study once he landed in the third country (U.S.). What was more: Issara didn't go chasing girls around as any young man would do. Maybe, it was because he had no money to spend. Maybe, it was because his clothes were so worn out. Or maybe, it was because he had no heart for girls. Whatever it was, Bounmy was glad that he didn't have to compete with Issara in regards to girls. Who could tell? His sad eyes and quiet demeanor might win somebody's heart unexpectedly.
III
At the campus, Issara was about to go to the library to study as usual. If was as if fate decided, his eyes happened to fall on a familiar figure. Yes, it was nobody else but a girl whom he couldn't help but seeing her face everywhere - the book he read, the pen he touched, the desk he sat at. At times, he even thought that the any girl with a similar figure walking ahead of him was her. It was that bad lately.
Frankly speaking, Issara was so surprised and, at the same time, so happy to see Viengpapha by the library. Though it was not snowing, the cold temperature was enough to keep most people inside. Dressed in a black coat, Viengpapha with her long hair over her shoulders and the book in her lap looked gorgeous. She was kind of leaning on the tree. By the look on her face, she seemed absorbed in the material she read in front. Many students passed by. Still, she was not affected by any disturbance. In fact, Issara loved to see Viengpapha in a still motion. This way, he could gaze at her as much as his heart wished. Maybe, because of her presence or his infatuation with her or maybe both, his mind did produce a piece of poem at an instance.
Dokpha
22 have passed
since this Dokpha decorates the earth.
Your branch sends forth the fragrant smell
All over the sky.
Oh, Dokpha! You were born
To dry the tears of the dewdrop
To grow up to be the beloved of DokGna
And to be profound for the devotion of this wretched.
If you know
Whenever you utter a word,
My world will be quietly listening to you
Whenever you smile,
My world will be brightly adorned
With a new sky, the swerving birds,
The dangling leaves, the sparkling waves
And the sweet song which take me to a dreamland.
Oh, Dokpha!
From this 22-year on
I will be the kissing breeze
The melodious song
And the lively stream keeping your dream alike
Oh, Dokpha!
Oh, sweetheart
May I live long enough
To celebrate everyone of your birthday
Until the end of time.
In contrast to the mind, his body was lethargic. He couldn't move any steps further. It was like a freezing movie frame. He thought of approaching her but what could he say? He never felt attached to any girl before. That meant he had no idea about what to say and what to do with someone he liked. Engineering project was much easier than what he had encountered now. He didn't even know how much time elapsed since he stood clumsily in the walkway. Some students walked by and some rode their bicycles by without stop. At that moment, Viengpapha leaned away from the tree, put her book in the backpack, and..
"Excuse me, Viengpapha! You dropped your pen." Issara rushed in as soon as he saw a pen fell off her backpack.
"Thank you." Viengpapha extended her hand with a little bit of warm smile on her lip to get the pen from his trembling hand.
With that said, she glided to her classroom leaving Issara to his own thought.
"What a smile! Isn't this what I am missing all of my life?" Issara mused around in his own head.
"No, don't be a fool. She didn't even remember my name." He finally got back to his sense.
IV
At the bus stop.
Viengpapha stepped her right foot on the bus, paid the fare and walked carefully to the end of the bus looking for a vacant seat. Today, the bus was crowded. Every seat was taken. Then, out of nowhere,
"Take my seat, Viengpapha!" it was a familiar voice that she kept running into was heard again. Without even seeing the person, she instinctively knew that it was him - a guy with the sad eyes and awkward manner.
"No, thank you! I will get off not very far from here." She graciously refused his seat.
Issara already stood up and was not intent to seat down again. With no one taken the seat, another student claimed it. Seeing that, Viengpapha felt bad that Issara had to stand because of her.
Issara, on the contrary, felt delighted to stand by the girl whom he always wanted to be with. In his mind, he had many things to ask her - namely how she was, what she liked, so on and so on ...
The bus stopped and went times after times, and still, no words came out of his mouth. In contrast to his mouth, his eyes did an incredible job. They are fixated on her shiny and black hair. If only he could admire her hair this close every day, he would die for it.
Though hardly talked to Issara, Viengpapha felt like she knew him. It was because of Bounmy. He just did a good job extolling the virtue of Issara whenever he ran across her that he was not a mystery to her any more. To her, he was a young man with a promising future _ a man whom you could trust your future with. Still, she felt that there was a bridge between him and her. That something was hard to explain. It seemed like he was so close and so far apart at that same time.
"I am to get off here." Viengpapha let Issara know as the bus was crawling to a complete stop.
"See you at school tomorrow." Issara finally spoke out what he really wanted to.
"See you at school." Viengpapha responded not believing that she had heard that. Was that a move closer to solve one final part of his mystery?
Walking home, Viengpapha felt happy for some unknown reasons. There were many young men, no less promising future and no less good character as he was. Still, to her, there was something else in him that captured her heart. What was that "something"? She didn't know herself.
V
Today, Viengpapha was lying in bed. She caught a cold. Winter usually brought her a cold. Being a slimly built girl, Viengpapha had to suffer whenever the climate changed. As of lately, though winter was already here, it was not cold. She could go out with just a T-shirt and a jean. Then, yesterday, the snow storm immediately invaded the area. Since then, it snowed heavily. With it, came the chilly wind and the drop of temperature. Her mom told her that it was in the twenties today. No wonder she saw the ice among the snow outside. Maybe, it was a school day; no one came to visit her yet. That made her even colder. At that instance, her mom got in and handed her a bouquet of flowers.
"I told him to come inside but he wouldn't. He said that he didn't want to bother you. He wishes that you are getting well pretty soon." Her mom fired out those words while arranging the table by the bed for the vase to be put on.
"Who was he?" Viengpapha couldn't help but asking her mom about the person who just gave her the flowers.
"I don't know. I have never seen him before." Her mom answered back, and then added: "he looks like a good man - very polite. He even Nop (placed two hands together in greeting) me. Having this kind of friend won't hurt you at all."
Viengpapha still couldn't figure out who that person was. According to her mom's description, it didn't apply to any of her friends. Or maybe, it was him; she thought of Issara. Yes, he was very polite. She still remembered the day when they rode the bus together. Even though the bus pulled into a sudden stop with a big jerk; he didn't even stagger to her. If it were any men, they would seize that moment to rub her body.
"Vieng! Where do you want to place the flower? In the middle of the table? Or close to your bed?" her mom's voice brought her back from the musing.
"Close to my bed, mom." Though not knowing the giver, she was very much sure that it was him.
"Mom, do you know what time he came?" Viengpapha asked her mom.
"About half an hour ago." Came her mom's response.
Half an hour ago? He was definitively nowhere in sight now. Viengpapha thought to herself. With one hand touching the flowers, her other hand extended to open the window curtain. The snow was swirling down everywhere. Her mom's car was half buried in it. That was not the focus of her attention. Instead, her eyes were looking for someone. Maybe, maybe, he was still out there somewhere. As if heaven dictated, her eyes happened to fall on the back of a tall young man at the school basketball court in front of her building. He was about to leave. There was snow all over his coat. Even with his back on and at a distance, she knew that it was no other else but Issara. The coat he liked to wear, the figure she was at ease with were more than enough to convince her likewise. "Oh! Issara, you are so heavenly." Viengpapha said to herself and caressed the flowers with love.
VI
"Are you going to school today?" her mom asked Viengppha noticing her daughter pack the backpack with books.
"Yes, mom. I feel much better today. Besides, I already missed two days of school."
It was known that Viengpapha loved school. She could go by only snack in the afternoon just to save some time studying at school than going home for a meal. She realized that her mom sacrificed a lot for her to stay in school. With the loss of her dad at the early age, her mom had to work hard just to put food on the table. Maybe, because of gratitude, Viengpapha made up her mind to do well in school. She hoped that once she had finished school and got a job, she would relieve her mom's burden tremendously. Better yet, if she could land a high paying job as her degree in accounting promised, she would have mom stayed home and enjoyed the early retirement. Of course, it would be hard to persuade mom to quit her job as she was a kind of woman who couldn't stay idly. Besides, it was going to be her brother's turn to go to college. Money was going to be an issue for quite some time.
"Are you going to come home and have lunch at home today?" her mom asked Viengpapha out of motherly concern?"
"No, mom. I need to catch up and study for the final."
"If that's the case, take some food I made for you; okay?" As usual, her mom cared deeply about her daughter's health. That's what why she took some time out from her busy schedule to cook something for her.
"Okay, mom. I am lucky to have a mom like you." Viengpapha couldn't help but extolling her mom.
"Yes. You can say that because you haven't been swept off your feet by someone yet." Her mom, in turn, couldn't help but teasing her beloved daughter.
"Never, mom. I love only you." Viengpapha, half smile and half serious, said to her mom. With those words said, her mind wandered to a very far, far place. Would he think of her as she did? Today, she just got an anonymous poem. Whenever she read it, the image of Issara popped up. Was he who wrote this beautiful poem?
Missing You
Sea...In the morning,
waves after waves
rushing against the shore,
my eyes fix on,
my heart is missing (you).
Breeze...In the afternoon,
leaves swirling down
one after another;
my eyes record,
my heart is groaning.
Young couples...In the evening,
walking hands in hands
_ a long line,
my eyes witness,
my heart is sobbing.
Wanna tell, wanna whisper
this very heart is gonna
turn into ashes.
Wanna say, wanna deplore
this very heart is missing only you.
Oh! my dear,
are you missing me too?
Whenever the sea is making waves
rushing against the shore,
your heart might think of
the beauty in life.
Whenever leaves are swirling down
one after another,
Your eyes might be merry,
your heart might wander a long way.
Whenever young couples are walking
hands in hands _ a long line,
wanna say you are missing me
but I dare not.
Only the dream consoles me that
you are missing me, thinking of me
Oh! my dear,
might this very heart
be lonely missing you
all the rest of my live?
Issara, at the same time, just couldn't study for the exam any more. His mind kept wandering to Viengpapha. Was it because I haven't seen her for 2 days? No, it wasn't even two days yet. In fact, it was only 36 hours. Issara looked at his watch and then sighed heavily. He told himself that he had left Laos with only one purpose: that was to study as far as his intellect could carry him. From day one in the U.S., he consumed books after books. The county librarian, and later the school librarian, even knew his name as he frequented the place since it first opened the door and became the last one to leave. He intended to read all books to satisfy his thirst for knowledge. Besides, he realized that only through education he would be able to pay back those who made his life meaningful. Being an orphan and fed from the temple bowl, Issara knew how far he had come. The well-done exam and graduation with honor would epitomize his gratitude. With his mind set, Issara got back to the book and would leave the library only when he had mastered the material.
"Hey, Issara! Aren't you going to the recruiting with me today? I heard there are several big name companies." Bounmy who just popped in the library asked his dear friend.
"Not today. Maybe next time. I need to nail this coming exam." Issara said to Bounmy without even looking at him. He knew if he was with him face to face, he would succumb to any of his friend's plea.
"Okay. Don't tell me later that I didn't ask you first." Bounmy jabbed at his friend before popping out of the library as fast as he got in.
Uh! The library seemed to be so quiet today. Issara mumbled to himself. Since Bounmy had left over an hour ago, most occupants in the room were gone too. At first thought, he liked this silence for he could concentrate more. Still, his heart wished that somebody with a long hair and a sweet voice was here with him in this room. That somebody! Even a name was sacred to him even to mention carelessly. With that thought, Issara felt like the person whose name was belonged permeated the room ... the perfume, the special odor, which he was yearning to be around. Was it real? Or was he just hallucinating? Even if it was a hallucination, he still cherished it. He wanted to be in that state forever...
"Sabaydii Issara! Is this seat taken?" A familiar voice sounded right in front of him. Taken by surprise, Issara turned his face up and smiled unconsciously.
"Not at all, Viengpapha!" Issara was beaming with a tremendous surge of jubilation when seeing that the person in front of him was no one else but the one and only one - Viengpapha.
"I hope that I don't disturb you. I, first, thought that I would just sneak in and occupy any one of the vacant seats in the room but then I realize that it would be rude not to greet you first." Viengpapha gave a reason why she did what she did.
"I am glad that you did that." Issara, almost spoken out that he was glad Viengpapha still thought of him, was relieved he didn't let out his real thought that much. Being so beautiful and so kind, Viengpapha would have no time left for him - a guy so rootless, so boring...
Viengpapha, through to her form, got down to study for her exam as soon as she sat down. Funny as it turned out, both stole a look at one another as much as their eyes were on the books (Of course, Issara did more). Issara, being shy by nature, stole a look at Viengpapha with much trepidation. At times, Viengpapha had to pretend not to see his glance to save his face. This was going on for quite some time until...
"Guys! No more stealing!" came a resounding voice of Bounmy who had noticed long enough to see what was going on.
"How is the recruiting, Boun? Issara changed the subject expediently.
"Don't think that you, guys, will get off my question easily?" Bounmy still insisted on getting the answer.
"Sorry, I got to go to class now." Viengpapha got up with a red blush on her cheeks and rushed out as fast as her steps could carry her.
"Sorry. I don't mean to do that." Bounmy felt sorry that he had made Viengpapha leave Issara so suddenly.
"Nothing to be sorry about. I am about to leave for class too." Issara gave his own version for leaving the big mouth - Bounmy.
"Okay. This won't happen again." Bounmy made a serious attempt to please Issara.
With the look following Viengpapha as far as the window vista allowed, Issara savored every minute of her appearance before taking off himself.
VII
The campus was alive today. It was preparing for the graduation ceremony. Everywhere one went, one would find students with families and friends taking pictures on the green lawn or hurrying to the graduation site. As usual, the graduation site was by the football stadium. It was built like a Greek stadium - that was oval shaped. Since the early morning, students with their black scholarly gown gradually occupied the seat section reserved for the graduates. Typical of Issara, he came early - almost by himself. Sometimes, looking around and seeing other graduates with their families' faces beaming with pride and overwhelming happiness, Issara couldn't help but thinking of himself. If his parents were still alive, he would have someone to share this academic achievement. Holding the budding tears from falling off his eyes, Issara recalled the families and relatives he had left behind. They morally supported him and waiting for him to go back bringing the expertise he had learned for his homeland. From their letters and occasional news from Laos, he learned that they endured a great hardship just to make ends meet. Still, they were proud that the very little they had done did contribute to building the land they loved. Most of them wanted to live nowhere else but their homeland and they would like to die as a proud Lao in Lao land. In one of the letters, they reminded him of making use of opportunity he had and never forgot his poor little country. One of his uncles even told him that the reason his parent named him "Issara" was because they wanted him to carry the torch of the independence movement of 1945. Even their name spoke out as who they really were - the proud descendant of the courageous Chao Anou.
At times, Issara had the inkling of going back to Laos. There, with his engineering decree, he could help build her. He didn't care much about the monetary reward. He was born poor, grown up poor and it wouldn't make any difference to him to live poor for the rest of his life. Knowledge and wisdom were the crown jewel he craved for. Living a life for Udomkarn was the ultimate goal he was determined to carry on until the very last breath of this earthly life. Still, he wanted someone he loved to cherish this with him. And that someone he knew full well that it wouldn't be anybody else but Viengpapha. From the little bit he knew about her, she had none of the immediate family left in Laos. Loss of father because of the war, it would be tremendously painful for her to go back. Besides, she had the whole world in front of her. With her accounting degree and great personality, she would be a perfect daughter-in-law of any family. What could he offer her? A pure Udomkarn? That was silly. That was selfish and that was not him. If he married someone, he wanted that person to be happy. So if that couldn't be reached, he would rather let her go her own way. Being unhappy oneself, he could endure it but making someone whom he wholeheartedly loved unhappy; he just couldn't go that low. With his future still unsettling, Issara realized that it would be good for both Viengpapha and himself to have a minimal relationship. He knew this kind of decision which he had reached since the day his heart swung heavily towards her was greatly agonizing to him. It would save some painful tears later especially to the one whose tear meant a lot to him. Yes, it was easy to say but it was still painful to carry it out - Udomkarn or not. If his heart had its own way, he would definitively follow her everywhere her lovely smile, her exquisite eyes, her sweet voice, her black and shiny hair, etc... were all enthralling. Oh, Viengpapha! Was I badly in love with you?
"Here you are! Issara. We are looking for you everywhere." Viengpapha's voice sounded in front of him. Wow! It was so captivating. Better yet, she said that she was looking for him. Did he hear it right?
"My mom wants to take us out to lunch after the ceremony. Or do you have any other plan?"
"No, not at all." Issara was incredibly jubilant to know that her mom considered him as one of her family members. To him, her mom was like his mom whom he dimly remembered.
"Thanks, Mae Pha" with those words, he Nop Viengpapha's mom in complete reverence. A couple of tear drops were sipped down that he had to turn aside and wiped them off.
"Sorry!" Issara said with a shaky voice.
"Luk Vieng and I are proud of you! Taking you two out for lunch is very little compared to what you give me in return." Mae Pha knew how lonely Issara was. From the little bit she heard from her daughter, she realized that this young man was becoming a significant other to her daughter. Therefore, whoever her daughter liked (a right word should be "love" but she wasn't sure yet), she could go along with. In this case, she was pleased with what she saw - a good-looking young man with respect to the old and a maturity in his manner and sad eyes. If this was the man her daughter would end up marrying with, she would die with closed eyes.
At that moment, Bounmy walked along with a pretty face girl. All eyes were on them. They all knew that Bounmy was about to be engaged with a girl just coming from Laos. They hadn't seen her before so this one might be the one.
"Here is the girl I am raving about. Her name is Vanh. We will be engaged in two weeks. You are all invited." Typical of Bounmy, he was fast in everything. Issara wished that he was lucky with the opposite sex as fast as his buddy was.
After the greeting and conversation went on for a while, each separated to their respective sections - the graduates to the front stage and their families/friends to the side stage.
The stadium was packed and the ceremony was about to begin.
Issara was excited to see Viengpapha seating not too far from him. In fact, the accounting section was next to his engineering section. While the ceremony was going on with the applause after each name was mentioned, Issara's eyes were busily fixated on Viengpapha as if this was going to be her last image. In his mind, there were many things going on simultaneously - all the pros and cons of treading the path of Oudomkarn. Wouldn't there be a room for Viengpapha at all?
"Viengpapha Sisavan - Accounting" came the voice from the loudspeaker. Issara rose up and gave a thundering applause while Viengpapha graciously walked up the stage to receive her Bachelor degree. The sight of a Lao pride in both beauty and intellect brought tears to many of her friends and families. To Mae Pha, it was a statement that she raised her kid right. If only her husband was still alive, he would be no less proud than she was now.
A moment later..
"Issara Anouvong - Electrical Engineering" came the same voice from the loudspeaker. Now, it was his turn to walk up the stage. The sight of Viengpapha clapping her hand made a deep impression on him. The hard-sought degree, prestigious as it was, was of a lesser value compared to this earthly beauty. It was Viengpapha whom he first looked at when he held the diploma high above his head. Four years of hard work finally paid off. Now, let there be a light!
VIII
It has been quite some time since Issara worked for the big name company. Now, he could afford to buy a car and some nice clothes to wear. As his company was quite some distance from where he lived, it was only the weekend that he would have time to drop by to see Viengpapha and her family. In fact, he could go there every day right after work; but the thought that he would come at their inappropriate time especially during the dinner or the family time; he had to persuade himself not to do so. Besides, he wouldn't want Viengpapha to think that he came too strong. His love towards her was more than a physical thing. As he once wrote but couldn't take any courage to deliver the poem to her (it was finally sent to her as another anonymous poem):
My darling,
if love is..
a blossoming flower
greeting
the sunshine,
a cool breeze,
a melodious song,
a fresh dewdrop,
and a rushingwave
which have
only the innocence
and the liveliness,
I would like to give
this love to you..
Might not be necessary
to say
how much my heart
is so tied up to you.
Maybe
words aren't that necessary!
..
Still, he found himself distraught whenever he came to her house and saw another young man with a BMW parked in front there. Little by little, he learned that that young man (Jerry) was determined to win Viengpapha's love. They both worked for the same company. Being there before her, Jerry became her mentor and, to some, her boyfriend. Yes, things were sophisticated once one was beyond the gate of school. Nothing was simple any more. The one whom one thought of as a sure thing was turning more and more into a puzzle. Issara felt he was more of an extraneous addition to her family as time passed. Though disappointed, he came to terms that it was mainly his own undoing. He never made it clear that he loved her. Instead, all signs pointed that she was just a dear friend to him.
One time, she even consulted him in regards Jerry when Jerry proposed to marry her. As a labeled friend, Issara found Jerry was well-quipped with a good education, wealth and family connection. In fact, he had nothing to object to their union. Before leaving, he said that it was up to her to decide. Whatever her decision was, he would be behind her.
On the way home, Issara's head was dizzying. The conversation kept resurfacing; her sad eyes, not knowing what to do with herself kept troubling his heart. Should he go for her at all cost? Or was it too late now? Issara originally thought that he would seek to secure a job with a company that had business in Laos. Then, he would find a way to have them hire Viengpapha and send both of them to work there. He got that first wish. It would take him a year or two before having enough clout to get the second wish. If all went as planned, he found no excuse not to come out as her boyfriend any more. Too bad, it seemed too late now. Being a thoughtful guy, Issara didn't know much about the way of the world especially the world of love where constant reinforcement was minutely needed.
Since that conversation, Issara was less of a guest to Viengpapha's house. At times, he went by not seeing her for weeks.
Viengpapha, being used to seeing Issara every week, was quite concerned about him. At times, her feeling turned sad. She didn't know what was going on with her. Seeing Jerry was not a replacement to Issara at all. Even with Jerry in front of her, her eyes kept wandering to the street outside hoping that Issara would miraculously turned up. She wouldn't want to admit that she loved him but strongly attached to him. How couldn't she be that way since he was part of her since the very last semester at school? She still remembered a poem presumably written by Issara. It read..
My angel
In my dream,
I dream that you touch my hair
With a soft touch
And a gentle glance.
In my awakening,
I behold that you smile at me gracefully
As if the sun smiles at the earth
As if the moon smiles at the sky.
In the close-up,
I feel that your warmth envelops me
Making my body thrilled
And sending me to the fantasy world.
In the far-away,
I realize that my world becomes gray
Leaves start falling down
And birds suddenly without a song.
…
"You look sad today. Not feeling well?" her mom who just came to her bedroom noticed.
"I am fine, mom. I just don't feel like getting up early today." She responded to her mom in a sad voice.
"If you feel like talking to me anything, just spill it out!" her mom instinctively knew it had something to do with the heart.
Encouraged by her mom's words and fully trusted in her concern, Viengpapha gradually revealed her true feeling...
"Do you notice that Issara hasn't been for 4 weeks?"
"4 weeks" were the numbers Viengpapha clearly spelled out. Those words were more than enough to make her mom realize how bad her daughter missed Issara. She, herself, missed him too. If only Jerry were Issara, she would be the one who was the happiest. Jerry was okay but who wouldn't want to choose a son-in-law if she could.
"Yes. I noticed that too. Know what? We will have a picnic at the park next weekend. Why don't you invite him too?" Mae Pha found a way to help her daughter. In fact, her daughter was not different from her as she once was madly in love with Viengpapha's father. Fortunately for her, the one who she was craving for was the one whom she ended up marrying with. Would her daughter be as lucky as she was?
"What if he couldn't go?" Viengpapha wasn't sure that Issara would be at the picnic or not. Lately, nothing was sure anymore.
"He will come. I am sure he will." Mae Pha knew what kind of a person Issara was. If anything she or her daughter asked for anything, he would cover the world, if needed, to get it for them.
With her mom's guarantee, Viengpapha got back her radiance. If only Issara knew, how much he meant to her well-being.
IX
At the community park..
Viengpapha took out the fruit from the bag and laid them it on the straw mat. Her mom was making some salad while her brother was barbecuing. Today, they would have TumMakHoung (a batch of papaya) with Barbecue and mom's salad.
This early afternoon was beautiful. The yellow fallen leaves were on the grass, the pavement, in fact, everywhere. Yes, it was the fall season. At the same time, it was kind of sad. Seeing the trees with no leaves but empty branches and a pile of leaves, which once beautified the trees, Viengpapha couldn't help but thought of her own life.
Would he come? What if he wouldn't come? Did it mean the beginning of the end?
"Here comes Issara!" Mae Pha called out to Viengpapha who was in the process of asking oneself what if. Just the mentioning of his name especially at this moment, Viengpapha's face lit up. Now, the fallen leaves weren't that sad and lonely anymore. In her eyes, she saw a young man walking with a giant step towards her. Dressed in a blue Docker pant and a white Polo shirt, Issara looked very handsome today. Only if he was like before, she would be very happy - Oh, Issara!
"Sorry for making all of you wait." Issara excused himself as soon as he had reached the Sisavanh's family. Though not spoken, Viengpapha detected a little sadness in his voice. At the same time, he seemed to lose weight.
"Vieng really wants you to come." Mae Pha spoke Viengpapha's mind aloud, making her cheeks blush badly.
"You are all nice to me. I wish one day I can pay it back." Issara uttered those words with a soft voice. Sometimes, Viengpapha felt like he was crying inside.
"You look a little bit pale, are you okay, Issara?" Viengpapha just couldn't help asking about his health. She knew she shouldn't ask but his frailty concerned her.
"I am fine, Viengpapha. I just work long hours lately." Issara, as usual, didn't reveal his true feeling about himself. He knew full well that he lost weight because he couldn't eat. The image of Viengpapha and Jerry together and the realization that he would lose her at any moment just destroyed the taste of any food he touched
Today, he even thought of not coming. Why tormented himself seeing her again? Why didn't he just try to forget her? It would be beneficial to her and her family if he just dropped out as a good loser. Through this way, the old image of first seeing her, of first falling in love with her wouldn't be tarnished and therefore being imprinted in his mind forever.
As much as Issara tried to look the other way, his eyes kept coming back to Viengpapha. With her around, the world was not sad and lonely anymore. Instead, it was alive and joyful indeed.
"Issara! Do you want an apple? It is very crispy." Viengpapha handed a red apple to Issara. With thankful eyes, Issara took the apple and held it dear in his palm.
Gradually, Issara felt that Viengpapha still had him somewhere in her heart. Maybe, it was not all lost. Maybe, the good old days of happiness would be revived again.
One yellow leaf was falling down and landed on Viengpapha's hair. Unconsciously, Issara gently extended his right hand to take it off. Though being careful, he did touch a little bit of her hair.
"Excuse me. Vieng!" he got the leaf and didn't intend to drop it on the ground at all. Instead, he put it in his pocket.
Viengpapha, seeing what was going on, smiled beautifully. Her heart knew the meaning of that gesture instantly. Oh, Issara! What a romantic guy you suddenly became.
At the other end of the straw mat, Mae Pha noticed the chemistry of the two "lovers" and sighed with relief. Young couples, nowadays, had a way of stroking the heart of one another so beautifully. She thought. Knowing that they both needed the time together, Mae Pha excused herself out and took a leisure walk with her son around the park.
Time idly passed by and more yellow leaves were falling down. Sometimes, green leaves were in the mix.
Maybe, it was the ambiance. Maybe, it was the leaves. And maybe, it could be anything especially the woman in front of Issara. Suddenly, he blasted a string of words out. "Viengpapha! Don't you think like me that falling leaves are a beauty to watch?"
"Yes, falling leaves is truly a sight to cherish." Viengpapha concurred with Issara. Strange as it may be, she liked to watch fallen leaves, the sun about to set and the waves rushing to the shore. To her, they were all beautiful.
"In a way, fallen leaves is like our lives. No matter how much we are attached to certain things, certain people; when it is time to leave, we have to let it go." Issara interspersed a natural phenomenon with philosophy. Though just a mere word, Viengpapha felt somewhat hurt. As some said: "for women, knowing is one thing, but feeling is completely another thing."
"Viengpapha! Sometimes, I couldn't help but imagining myself as a fallen leaf. Maybe, a beauty to cherish for some but completely devastating to the leaf itself." Issara spoke his true feeling, though analogous to the fallen leaves. Viengpapha, listened quietly while Issara continued...
"If I were to be a fallen leaf, I would like to fall in front of the one I love." Viengpapha couldn't believe her ears. It was the first "love" word she heard from Issara. Only if he said that word in a different context, she would be very happy.
Mae Pha looked at the two "lovers" with satisfactory eyes. Now, Viengpapha could regain her radiance, and...
Before Mae Pha could relish some more happiness, Jerry showed up. He walked hurriedly to where Viengpapha and Issara were sitting. Shocked as she was, Mae Pha made an Uh Hum to let the two "lovers" know the unexpected.
Issara was the first one to look up. Caught by the complete surprise, he was speechless. Witnessing from Issara's face, Viengpapha instinctively knew who that newcomer was. Deep in her heart, she prayed that nothing bad happened. Still, she knew full well that Jerry could make a mess.
"Sorry that I am late. You shouldn't wait for me at all. What a nice girlfriend I have." True to his form, Jerry threw the first bomb.
Viengpapha was a little angry hearing Jerry proclaim her as his girlfriend. To her, Jerry was another good friend. They went almost everywhere together but, still, that didn't mean she was his girlfriend. Being someone's girlfriend would take time and some intimacy which she didn't think she had it with Jerry yet.
"It is good that you come in time. We are about to have lunch. By the way, how do you know that we have a picnic here." Viengpapha found a way to negate Jerry's claim that she was his girlfriend by implying that if she was his girlfriend, she would have invited him.
"Easy! I called your friend, and she told me that I had better hurry to the park, or I will miss the great outing." Jerry talked while looking at the food. "Wow! That's all I like. You must know my heart."
While the conversation of the two going on, Issara's face grew pale. The word "girlfriend" and the feeling that Viengpapha felt for Jerry made Issara want to disappear suddenly. He could withstand anything but the vague feeling of losing Viengpapha troubled his inner soul. Not able to tolerate the massacre of his heart any more, Issara got up and ..
"I got to go now." With those words out, Issara took off almost like rushing to his car. More leaves were falling down behind him. Each step he took away from Viengpapha tore his heart. Would he get a chance to say his true feeling towards her? Or would he die without a little bit of her love?
X
Snow is falling outside. The open letter on her bed reads:
Dear Viengpapha,
It has been a great honor that I come to know you. I have never thought that you will be this nice to me. Maybe, it is because I have never experienced this kind of friendship before, I can't help but treasure it as my own life. As I won't be able to see you again as my heart always wishes, I would like to let you know that the friendship you gave me will remain in my heart forever. I must apologize for not bidding farewell to you in person. I don't think I can bear the pain of seeing you for the last time. I know you deserve all the good things in life so I don't want my departure to disrupt any rapport you have with someone close to your heart.
Viengpapha! By the time you read this letter, I will be far away from you. Ocean will separate us. I think that's for the good for both of us. I always want to go back and help build our homeland. In my wildest wishes, I wish you were part of my dream. That way, I won't lose either one of my love. Unfortunately, as they say reality bites. Now, without the prospect of you on my side, the only thing left for me is to give back all I have to the land that gave me an identity and the people who nourish my heart and soul. Still, nothing can replace you. As long as the breath doesn't depart me, I will always cherish the moment I first met you and, if I may say, love you.
Hakphaang,
Issara
P.S. Please give my best wishes to your family for me too.
Viengpapha is sobbing each time she thinks of Issara. 3 months have passed since they last met at the park. Before she realizes how much he means to her or has anything to say to him, he is already gone. Now, no one can replace that empty space inside. Is this what love is?
More snow is swirling down. Everywhere is blanketed with the whiteness of snow - the roofs, the pavements, the cars and the lawns. It is so cold - colder than any time of the year. Only if Issara is still here, only if..
More tears were flowing down her cheeks as Mae Pha came into the room.
"Mae!" everything was let out with that word. And when her mom opened her arms, Viengpapha flung herself into them and cried out like a child. With each stroke of her mom's finger on her hair, Viengpapha let out more tears. Nothing more needs to be said as more snow was coming down.. coming down..
and the poem continues..
but I have to see
have to gaze.
What is the use of life
if I don't stand up
and fight back?
(chivit nee tha bo su
cha yu pai mee kha gnung?)
Three, four, five,
six, and seven leaves
swirling down
swirling down again
gracefully.
I am determined to see,
this time, they are
artistically beautiful...
When the hurricane has passed,
happiness does follow
with the last fallen leaf..
The End
May, 2000
